Perhaps it's inherent in me to piss the hell out of people around me. I'm trying to figure out why i have such ability and power to piss them off to mars.

Daddy's on leave today. He usually goes to the library to browse through and borrow gaming and computing magazines and books. Today he offered to help check my library card for any fines. Well, it turned out to be a whooping eleven dollars and 50 cents.

I think he was more exaspperated and appalled than angry. "How can ANYONE accumulate library fines of that amount?!!! This just proves that you CANNOT BE BOTHERED about anything at all." *stomps back into his room.

And he just left me seated at my computer, my mouth wide opened but no sound came out. I had no intention to speak up or defend myself, i just didn't know how to react and didn't know what to say.

And this happens most of the time. If there were to be an argument of some sort, or the situation requires me to speak my thoughts, i would usually end up in a lost for words.

I wasn't like that. I used to argue back, speak my 2 cents worth, prove my point, share my thoughts. But it seemed like i've lost the ability to do all that. Maybe i realized that no matter how much i try to explain my point of view, state my stand, say how i feel, the other party would also do the same.

And the thing is, i'm freaking stubborn. It's either you go my way, or we compromise, but seldom will i go your way. So i'd rather just shut up. Let you say whatever you want, and perhaps it'll make you feel better about the whole argument, cos you assume that my silence means you've got your way and i've admitted defeat. But that's not true.

Maybe i've got some serious character/personality deficiency. But then again, don't everyone protect themselves from being hurt, especially when they've been hurt over and over again. This is part of survival instincts. Like you know what are the elements that can cause harm to you, and you try to avoid it. But what if there is no way to avoid it, it just finds means and ways to get to you, won't you feel so sick and tired and exhausted?



Ye xu wo de ma ma shuo de dui: ru guo ai dao na me xin ku, na jiu bu yao ai le. ru guo dao tou lai hai shi yi zhi shang xin, nan guo, na jiu fang qi ba.