i just blogged one whole LONG entry. but nothin got posted.
im pissed. even this is not going my way.

wth.

i shall chill & recall whatever i typed just now, prolly slightly edited:

my bed's a mess. my cupboard's a mess. my table's a mess. my hair's a mess.
im one big freakin mess.
my table's cluttered with used tissue paper, sweet wrappers, old/new magazines, hist/econ/math notes from my very enriching education experience in cjc (ya rite.). and various other stuff, and one thick stack of letters and brocheres from the various universities. horrors of horrors. seeing them reminds me of my A level results & im SCARED man. scared to the extent that i get this sick feeling in my stomach whenever i tink about it. NTU business school? communication studies at NTU? arts & soci at NUS? SMU?
i tink the main problem is not that im spoilt for choice, more of whether the universities want to accept me or not.

went shopping with my mummy today. haven't seen much of her & my family for the past few days & i miss her alot. i miss the closeness we share, the complete trust i have in her( i still do.) and the chatting sessions where we can talk about almost everything. it's lotsa fun hanging out & shopping with her. im soooooo gona need her presence and the comfort which i know she'll definitely provide after 12 february.

everytime i pass by cjc in a cab or bus the most significant thing which catches my attention is the 3/4 built performing arts centre. blardy hell. it was supposed to be done by last year or even 2 years ago & i was supposed to be able to have performed in it. anyway, im fondly reminded about my wonderful 3 years in cjc symphonic band. no , im reali not being sarcastic. i know i always complain about the crappy shit i go thru in band, the long hours and other stuff, but i reali enjoy being part of the band. i miss the immense sense of accomplishment whenever i can reach a higher note, play the note in the right pitch & tone, i miss the feel of my vincent bach trumpet with its 3C mouthpiece on my lips. i miss the sound of the trumpet. i miss all my band friends. i miss being bossy and command my juniors around. BIG sigh. these fond memories will nvr ever be forgotten. one day i'll play the trumpet again. a very soon one day i hope.

been feeling really down these few days. im trying very hard to deal with it. and the most frustrating thing is that no matter how hard i tell myself to snap out of it, i can't. i use to be able to hide the hurt im feeling without anyone noticing. it's not working now. it shows up on my face too often. going to bed and thinking that after u wake up, u'd feel much better, is all bullshit. i go to sleep and wake up the next day feeling exactly the same, if not worst. i need time off for myself. i tink i have been slogging too hard at work, sleeping too late, thinking too much, not taking good care of my health. i tink i'll die of various ailments and diseases by the time im thirty. i miss staying home, sit in front of the tv & watch rubbish tv shows. i wana go sentosa for a tan. i wana meet up with my darling frens. i wana go clubbing. i wana play the trumpet. i wana go karaoke. i wana do sooo many things.
yeah, all these and many more things i can do after 12 feb :((((((