light

ohmygawd.
onli one word to describe wad i feel now.
enlightened.

had a damn long talk with she-whom-i-thought-was-biased.
but before that she was putting me down as usual during tutorial.
her harsh tone & sarcasm reali pierced my heart.
my morale was reduced to dust & all my dignity & worth were shot down.
but surprisingly i managed to contain my tears.

despite all that
im glad i spoke to her.
gota say she's the 1st teacher in cj in these 2 1/2 years
who ever spoke to me abt my life ambitions & who bothered to find out was my problems are.
somehow it seem to have broken down this barrier which existed between us.
like the animosity between us has been resolved.
i was rather cautious initially
but i decided to just listen and share with her with an open-mind.
and it helped.
she made me realize that these few years,
wadever ive been doin,
is not reali wad i desire.
and she's a veri good judge of a person's character.
she could tell tt im indesicive & is lack of confidence.
which is true.
i just hope wadever i revealed abt myself to her
would not backfire.that she'd somehow know me better,
know where my problem lies so that she can come to terms
as to why i just can't improve in history & excel in it.
right now i see my goal being just to do well for mid-year.
which means getting a C for history.

but somehow,
behind all that encouragement,
feel tt there's a hidden agenda.
maybe she's just prompting me to leave for poly
where i'd be "happier" than wad im doing now.
which might be true.
but the thought of leaving all these,
all the 2 1/2 years..
it's such a waste.
so i figured i'll just stay on & give it my best shot.

spoke to my mum abt it.
and she backed it up with telling me tt
wad im reali lacking now
is faith in God.
perhaps it's time i turn back to Him.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13